3:32 THOUGHTS

 

                                                   3:32 AM THOUGHTS

SOMEDAYS IN LIFE ARE SO, LIKE SO MUCH HAPPENS EVERY SINGLE DAY AND ON MOST OF THE DAYS I WANT TO MOVE OUT TO FIND PEACE BUT DESPITE BEING SURROUNDED BY THE MOST PEACEFUL ENVIRONMENT I SUFFERED FROM THAT UNWANTED NOISE THAT KEEPS RUINING THAT I BECOME SO COMFORTABLE IN MY PAIN THAT IT BECOMES MY WAY TO FIT. IT WAS OR IS A JOURNEY OR DAY WHERE I BECOME SO STUBBORN AND DEALT WITH THINGS IN MY OWN WAY THAT I BLATANTLY CUT OFF RELATIONSHIPS, SOMETIMES ITS HOURS OF SILENCE WITH CLAMOUR OF THOUGHTS AND SOMETIME A FEELING OF SENSE OF BELONGING, ACCEPTANCE, AND AFFECTION FROM AND TOWARDS FELLOW SAPIENS.

PEOPLE STILL SAY THAT I HOLD THINGS BUT IN THESE YEARS I TRIED MY LEVEL BEST TO BE STILL AND ACCEPT THE THINGS AS THEY ARE. THERE ARE SOMEDAYS, AND SOME NIGHTS WHERE I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AND WISH COULD BE INVISIBLE, WISH COULD DO ALL THE ADVENTURE AND NOT GROW UP BECAUSE GROWING UP SO FAST IS SO SCARY BECAUSE A LOT OF MY WAY, SOME RESPONSIBILITIES, A LOT OF SELF – EXPLORATION, LOT OF SELF EXPRESS AND SOME FEARS AND THAN FROM NOWHERE LIFE’S BOTTOM LINE HITS YOU TO REALITY THAT THERE IS SO MUCH THAT NO ONE KNOWS AND THERE IS SOME THAT EVERYONE KNOWS, IT FEELS LIKE TO WRITE, TAKE OUT TIME FOR THINGS FOR THE CONNECTION OF THIS PHASE AND TO EMBRACE THIS  PHASE OF IDENTITY TO PROGRESS.

THOUGHTS

 

IT WAS NOT TODAY BUT FOR SO MANY YEARS, EVERY TIME I AM TRYING SOMETHING NEW THE EXCITEMENT DOES NOT LAST LONG. THE BURDEN OF THE PAST WAS DEEPLY ENGRAVED THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRIED TO OPEN MY HEART TO SOMETHING NEW OR TO SOME NEW PEOPLE BUT END UP FEELING VULNERABLE, SUPPRESSING PAIN AND A DESIRE TO BE IN A SAFE SPACE.

TO SOME PEOPLE I 'M DOING WELL AND TO MANY MY CHOICES DISAPPOINT. I TRY TO REMAIN STRONG ENOUGH BUT SOME DAYS I BECOME ANXIOUS, WORRYING ABOUT THINGS, ANALYSING SITUATIONS, AND KEEP BLAMING MYSELF FOR NO REASON THEN  SOMEHOW I GATHER MY PEACE, THAT TODAY THINGS ARE  NOT MAKING SENSE, BUT THOSE RANDOM PRIVILEGE, ACT OF KINDNESS TO OTHERS GAVE ME MY PEACE BACK.

SOME NIGHTS

These sleepless nights, where only the sound of my room's fan and street dog barking could be heard, rest all is SILENT in this city but with each passing day, my HEART wanted to CRYYYY.

These nights remind me of every human known glorifying their success and m stuck between the ' World' and the ' Phase' where no matter How hard I try I fail every single time! and it's so unable for someone to get into your heart and mind state. Sometimes these nights push me and inspire me to my goal and sometimes it makes me count on my heartbreaking rejection, but one constant thing is 'WHEN' my time.

UNSUNG DAY

Those curious, innocent faces greeted us in such an excited way like ' What will gonna happen today '. It was a visit to a government school, to help and introduce children to meditation, the benefit of doing and practicing it. The session was mainly to understand how to observe the breath, some stories, some Q&A, and the final ending with their happy faces, honestly I was in love with those tribe of kids, and I don't remember when was the last incident that touched my soul completely, but this session with those children was that MOMENTTTT. As I was observing those kids, I was so amazed to see how in such a lack of facilities, some kids are so extraordinary, no proper uniform, no shoes, but deep down a feel to ' go to school', share friendships and learn things.

Exceptionally what adults find difficult to understand, but the sincerity those kids showed during the whole session totally gave me feel like of 'YOUNG MONKS'. The best part was when the session ended they individually thanked and appreciated us. It reflected their rooted ethics and value every moment that life throws us.

Life gives us many opportunities and many moments to satisfy but we complain in those satisfied moments too and keep on running away for more. So what I got to learn from those kids is 

Sometimes it's Ok to take pause and cherish and have a feeling of gratitude for what you have.

FIRST EXPERIENCE

It was the first time in my life I was sharing my room with a stranger, I was always a person who can do anything but the thought of sharing a room for like a nightmare, but this time I was not having any option but to share a room for 30 days, and more than that sharing a room with so different person that even our native language was not same ( she was from Tamil Nadu and don't know Hindi) besides also this we navigated every single thing, waking up each other, cleaning, discussing homework, light on\off, fan speed, nap times. In these 30 days no negative thoughts towards her. In this world, life throws us many things but sometimes what we struggle with is just basic tasks I diagnosed that it was a thing that I was able to do with a non- judgemental and patient attitude.

PS: Her name was Leelavathi . 

SILENT LOVE

In my recent 30 days program people asked me -

Why you are more concerned about animals than humans?

Someone commented - 'Showing humanity for dogs only?

This incident took place on a night when other dogs attacked a dog (BRUNO) in a dreadful way, they all were street dogs but Bruno was in a bad state, his whole neck was injured, and unable to walk. The help of all, especially a stranger guy 'Satish', was a stranger to me but the way he helped coming from the middle of work to holding him at points to driving to the hospital to making Bruno vomit after injection and doing all things which were needed at that time, honestly if he wouldn't their at that time it would be massively tough for me to save Bruno. That day, at that time I realized How a stranger can simply bring out the absolute best version of himself without worrying about his time, his clothes, his car. That night Satish had become Unplanned Pause in my mind. 

Now, the reply to those questions which were asked 

With them (dogs) I forgot myself and my problems. I like to give them all my love because they give it right back and admire all love and I somehow learned to love myself again when I am surrounded by them. I thought I rescued Bruno, but the truth is he rescued my day because when the doctor asked what name you want for him? My immediate response was 'Bruno', that feeling to give someone a name is so COMPLETE in itself. Now, why only animals, because I find it hard to be around people, it's not I never tried, I tried to gossip, joke, and comment, but realized I was just pretending with Humans because with humans the ' UNWRITTEN RULES' of social interaction I never understood them, you can say my neurons are wired differently. With dogs, I can be quiet without worrying that they would think I am rude, wired, or stupid but with dogs like Bruno, I shine a little more and feel a little more invincible. Lastly, I know people fall in love for many different reasons but the one that makes the most sense to me is SILENT LOVE.

A WORTHFUL JOURNEY

 Since I was 19 years I was reading loads of spiritual books, watching videos, learning different types of meditation forms from different meditation schools but was not satisfied with deep, so a day while listening to a podcast by Kiran Khalap I was introduced to a technique named 'Vipassana', so I registered for my first ten days course.

It was on 21 October 2020, as I was listening to the course instructions loads of thoughts were running behind

Would I be able to survive over here for the entire course?

What if something will happen to me?

But while this question was in mind but there was also something silent that was so ready to do the course and with each passing day I was finding a new version of MYSELF, somedays were terribly tough and I felt like running, the long ten hours sitting was so painful but there I learned our every pain is more of mental than physical and it is in the mind which keeps on multiplying every single thing and more importantly realized how just focusing and observing breath can be a game changer. I discovered ways to experience our pain and to see things 'as it is'. Most days I cried, cried with anger, cried in pain, and cried for all my past things, but this time I was feeling light as if someone has lifted a heavy rock and put it aside from me. At every session, I was witnessing the NATURE OF IMPERMANENCE and experienced something new. On the last day, I was having so much gratitude for this teaching and was thankful that I took a chance to come here and could learn and took a seed of this teaching which is for my entire life.